Support, and not before time either!
Navigating the world of work with undiagnosed ADHD
My working life has been sketchy at best. Most of my jobs have been temporary agency roles with the longest lasting three years. I tend to last about six months in a role before my performance is brought into question.
You see, up until very recently, I had no idea that my struggles with time-management or my lack of organisational skills and non-attention to detail was potentially as a result of ADHD.
I started to join the dots last year when I lost a couple of jobs due to the above. I looked back over my career and it was obvious to me that something didn't add up. My CV looks like a series of unfortunate events.
So, fast-forward to now, and here I am, out of work again, waiting for an ADHD assessment.
I had a call today from the mental health employment support team. Lovely lady, she was extremely compassionate. We had a discussion about my work history and my current desires in relation to the kind of roles I would like to apply for, and it occurred to me that, after all these years of me working in supportive roles in children and adults social care, at times when I was really struggling and in survival mode myself, I am now going to get the support I didn't previously know I needed and therefore, have never had.
I can't tell you the relief I felt after having the conversation with MY support worker. It made such a difference to my mood. I actually began to feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.
I have felt like the world's biggest loser SO many times throughout my life that I just thought I was defective, and useless. My self-esteem and self-worth have been non-existent for a huge chunk of my life, it was just the norm for me.
The constant feeling of frustration with myself, the constant questioning about what my bloody purpose was on this earth, the constant feeling of shame that I never managed to achieve much of anything or that I couldn't make a success of anything. That's a massive burden to carry.
I just about managed to get a drama degree, but even then I only got a 2:2 and to add insult to injury, I've never used the damn thing anyway. When I left uni, I ended up working in social care where I've stayed ever since, despite several desperate attempts to get out of it and do something entirely different.
I have spent the last few decades, actually my whole life, in survival mode just trying to get through the days, the weeks, the months, the years. Working jobs that I didn't always enjoy, or feel any kind of affinity with, just to make ends meet. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy helping people and supporting some of the most vulnerable people in society. Any work I do needs to be meaningful. And I'm no different to most, we all need to pay mortgages, rent and bills. That's the reality for most of us working class folk.
However, now I am beginning to see some light at the end of what's often been a very long, dark tunnel for me. I spent three years working in a very toxic environment where I was pulling knives out of my back on a daily basis. It was horrendous. I ended up having time off sick because it completely tore me down. As I'm sure you can imagine, it played havoc with my mental health. At that time too, I was dealing with an extremely difficult physical health issue due to perimenopause. Looking back on that time, I'm not even sure how I got through it, but I did.
So, I feel it is time for me to find work that I can do until retirement age (and that's not too far off now) that meets my needs, fulfils ME and that adds value to my life and others. I don't do well in fast-paced, target-driven environments. I don't function well under pressure. At all. Knowing my capabilities and my deal-breakers now, and what I need from any employment in order to feel safe and supported, is massive for me.
If there are any of you out there in the neurodiverse (diagnosed or otherwise) community, particularly women of perimenopause or menopausal age that want to share their employment experiences, I'd love to read them in the comments below.
Thanks for reading 😊